1、 "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. ""Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, ""Umm…How much for a season pass?""女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。""不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？""这时人群中一个男同学问道，""那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？"""
2、 Where the Declaration of Independence was signed? Teacher：“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed?” Student：“I know，I know.At the bottom of the page.”《独立宣言》是在哪儿签字的？老师：“谁知道《独立宣言》在哪儿签字的？”学生：“我知道，我知道。是在那页纸的底部。”
3、 "A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!” 一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应该给谁。“谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么？”他问道。大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩儿吧。”"
4、 "Wedding night, husband deep feeling of say to the wife:""Dear of, I love you, I swear hereafter can't certainly do a sorry your business, if I do, certainly encountering for a day, the thunderclap splits, don't die a natural death!""Newly married but soon, the husband made a sorry cuckoldry matter. On the first, the husband goes out by boat, being the ship drove up to ocean middle, suddenly strong breeze your work, seeing the ship will sink right away, at this time, the husband towards the sky to scold a way loudly""old day, whether you becomes blind or not, I do a sorry cuckoldry matter, you let I a person die like, why harm" "so many innocent peoples to also want to die.""At this time, hears spread a deep and low" voice in out of t "he sky:""You think I am all dry" "all day long what, I" "am very not easy to wait until today just chase your se people concentrated together!""新婚之夜，丈夫深情的对妻子说：“亲爱的，我爱你，我发誓以后一定不会做出对不起你的事，要是我做了，定遭天打雷劈，不得好死！”可是新婚不久，丈夫就作出了对不起妻子的事。 一日，丈夫乘船外出，当船驶到大海中间" 时 ，突 然狂 风 大作，眼看船 马上就 要沉 没了 ，这时， 丈 夫大 声对着天空 骂道“ 老天 ，你是不是瞎了眼了，我做了对不起妻子的事，你让我一个人去死就好了 ，为什么害 这么多无辜的人也要死啊。” 这时，只听见半空中传来一声低沉的声音：“你以为我整天都干什么啊，我好不容易等到今天才把你们这些人集中在一起来的！”
5、 "One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. "Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."一天，一位大学心理学教授向他的新生们问候。他站在学生们的面前说：“如果哪位同学认为自己傻，就请站起来。” 大约过了一分钟，一位年轻人站了起来。教授说：“嗨，你好。你真的认为自己是个低能儿么？” 这个孩子回答道：“不是的，先生，我只是不忍心看着只有你自己站在这里。”"
6、 "wipe glass Father entered the son's room, praise, way: well done, son! The window and clean and bright, you are using soap water wipe? Son: no, dad, I am using a sledgehammer.父亲走进儿子的房间，夸奖道：干得好，儿子！窗户又干净又明亮，你是用肥皂水擦的吗？ 儿子：没有，爸爸，我用的是锤子。"
7、 "顺便说一个：你可以对你的MM说我要测测你的英语反应能力，伸出左手，对她说：“我点拇指是A，食指是C，中指是M，无名指是S,小指是X”，然后说，为了增加难度，我会用中文干扰你。然后，你指中指说鱼，她会说m，你指无名指说驴，她会说S，然后在指拇指说猪，她会说A,然后一直点拇指说猪，她会一直说：A,A,A,A,A,A,如果MM聪明，可以多试其他的手指之后再说拇指。"
8、 问：26个字母去掉e和t还剩几个字母？ 答：24个呀 问：错！！！ 答：为什么呀？ 问：21个，因为ET是坐UFO走的
牛排
Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do I get?
Tommy: Quarters.
Teacher: And then if I cut it twice again?
Tommy: Hamburger.
老师：如果我把一块牛排切成两半的两半，我能得到几块儿?
搞笑的英语小笑话：I Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
我没有睡着
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒!”
“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着?可是你眼睛都闭上了呀?”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
I Understand Him我懂他的话
While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full . "Mump umn Kmpfhm," was all I heard.
"Drew," I scolded, "no one can understand a word you're saying.
"He says he wants some ketchup," my husband said calmly . A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, "How in the world did you understand him?"
"I'm a dentist," my husband explained.
在饭店吃饭的时候，我申斥我4岁的儿子，因为他满嘴食物在说话。“喔、呢”，我听到的就是这些。 “祖，”我责备道，“没人明白你在说什么。” “他说他要一些番茄酱，”我丈夫平静地说。坐在旁边的一位妇女靠过来问道：“你究竟如何明白他的话的呢？” “我是牙医。”我丈夫解释道。
知道"Family"这个单词的含义吗？
知道"Family"这个单词的含义吗？ 爸 F ather和 A nd妈 M other我 I爱 L ove你 Y ou爸妈我爱你=家庭。
英语笑话带翻译
《律师、宝马和胳膊》
一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。
“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。
“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”
律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?”
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
